RINKER ON COLLECTIBLES — Column #1460

Copyright © Harry Rinker, LLC 2014

I Want My Things to Go to My Family

While this column should be sex neutral, it focuses more on mothers and grandmothers than fathers and grandfathers.  The dogged determination to see that future generations inherit family treasures and future heirloom collections is more inherent in the female than male gender.  Men do care, albeit their concern usually rests on a few select items.  Mothers and grandmothers have a possessive, personal attachment to almost everything, from cookie sheets to family artifacts.

Grandchildren talk far more about “going to grandma’s house” than they do “grandpa’s house.”  Family heirlooms do not descend on an equal bloodline basis.  Sociologically, there are several reasons.  First, women live longer than men.  When a husband dies, the widow is encouraged to get rid of “his” things.  Second, the woman of the house held sway in the nineteenth and most of the twentieth century.  She ruled the roost.  [I am aware this is street slang and that I should have phrased it differently.  But, it applies; and hence, stands].  As ruler of the roost, the woman decided what would come into the house, where it would be placed, and how it would be used.

Further, a woman’s memories of material objects are intricately interwoven with the female ancestors who previously used them, often guiding her in their use, the interaction between her children and her in respect to the objects, and a strong desire that the importance of an object will be passed down and appreciated by her heirs, principally those of the female gender.

Female heirs benefit from the linkage break that occurs when a son or sons marry.  The daughter-in-law is not blood.  She is an outsider, an interloper in the family genealogy.  Given the current divorce rate, there is a fear that family heirlooms given to a son will be lost in divorce. 

Grandmothers are not objective when it comes to analyzing the “pass it down ability” of objects.  Sentiment, emotion, possessiveness, and protection cloud reason and understanding.   Blood does not guarantee interest.  What grandmother wants may differ significantly from what a child or grandchild wants.

Generalizations are risky.  Everyone reading this column can think of exceptions.  These exceptions are comforting.  They enable owners of family heirlooms to believe that they are atypical rather than typical.  They are not.  Ask an auctioneer, dealer, estate sale management firm, or any individual involved in estate dispersal to tell which of the two positions is most typical.  Today, an heir or heirs want the estate settled as quickly as possible.  The lifestyle they lead has little tolerance for things from the past.  Their disposable income focus is on electronic gadgets, vacations, and instant self gratification.

[ADMINISTER THIS TEST:  Ask any adult between the ages of 30 and 40 to tell you where their grandparents and great grandparents are buried.  Challenge them to name these individuals and provide you with their birth and death dates.  This information is common knowledge for my generation, the pre-Baby Boomers.  Can you answer these questions?]

Having been married three times, I have had some experience studying the relationship between grandmothers and their grandchildren.  First, no matter how much they profess to love their prodigy equally, they do not.  Grandmothers have favorites and not necessarily always the first born.  They do their best to play the equality game, but the children eventually figure things out as do the grandchildren.  Denial is futile, with apologies to the Borg collective.

Grandmothers, even some mothers, cannot help looking at family heirlooms and mentally assigning them to a specific offspring.  There is no financial balance involved.  There is no concern that this one will get more than that one.  This issue is entirely child driven.  Problems arise when grandma skips a generation, preferring to leave her most precious things to a grandchild rather than one of her children.  “I do not want to leave this to my son: I do not trust his wife” makes sense at the moment grandmother makes the decision; but, it has long-term family conflict written all over it.

It is fun to watch grandmothers build collections, especially of items they cherish, for their grandchildren.  It is inconceivable to them that the grandchild will not care.  Grandmothers have a belief, equivalent to a religious tenet, that their grandchildren will love the collection as they do.  The good news is that most grandmothers pass away before this belief is tested.  Hence, they do not witness the reality of breaking up an estate.

There is no specific date when the “it should stay in the family” concept started to break down.  Observing my aunts and uncles, cousins, and other members of my extended nucleated family, the decline started in the 1970s and was in full swing by the early 1990s.  It was during this period when an influx of “family things” began working their way into the auction marketplace.  Money became more important than things.

Grandmothers like young grandchild because they are so eager to please.  They tell grandma what she wants to hear.  Yet, action speaks louder than words.  What happens to the treasures they give their children and grandchildren?  Abracadabra, now you see it, now you do not.  Parents and grandchildren are incredibility naïve.  They think grandparents do not notice.  They do.

“I would like Maria to wear the necklace I bought for her,” grandmother requests.

The mother answers, “I cannot find it.  Maria must have lost it or misplaced it.”  Maria always is at fault.  Reality is different. The mother has no protective interest in the piece because it was given to Maria by her mother-in-law.  If there are multiple children in the family, the gift is viewed as favoring one child over another.  Family equality is dangerous and divisive.  Grandmothers walk a narrow line. Heaven forbid, a granddaughter receives an expensive piece of Victorian jewelry rather than a daughter or daughter-in-law.

While a lament as old as time, “I want my things to go to my family” has extra meaning in the age of reconstituted families.  The line between mine, yours, and ours is blurred, not just in terms of material goods but also in terms of favored children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.  Balancing the material scale is almost impossible, but it can be done.  Balancing the personal relationship scale, often incorporating greed, jealousy, and a desire to receive their “rightful” inheritance before a parent dies, provides a constant disruptive element in reconstituted marriages, especially those that survive for longer than five years.

Many of today’s young adults believe they have a proprietary interest in objects belonging to their parents.  They are entitled to these objects because one parent or the other owned them.  These young adults have no problem disregarding parental rights of ownership.  If they grew up with it, they have blood rights to it.  The truth is that as adults, they have no rights to the material.  Rights rest with the owner, who is free to do as he/she wishes.

When children become adults, it is time for them to create their own life, one based upon what they earn, purchase, and use.  There is no obligation on the part of parents to provide them with financial or material goods for the balance of their life.  Further, given the rising costs of health care and the long-term inability of children to care for their parents, grandparents and parents are finding that they need to keep the focus on themselves rather than the generation that follows.  If a couple has a child, the responsibility for this child rests with the parents and not in any matter is there an implied responsibility of a grandparent or a spouse, partner, or significant other, especially those with no blood ties.

Previous columns have discussed the steps a grandparent or parent must take to ensure interest in family heirlooms and other material by the next generation.  Life is good when a child or grandchild loves a family heirloom that grandmother treasures.   Now, all grandmother has to do is to decide who gets what.   This is why grandfathers do not get involved.

Harry L. Rinker welcomes questions from readers about collectibles, those mass-produced items from the twentieth and twenty-first centuries.  Selected letters will be answered in this column.  Harry cannot provide personal answers.  Photos and other material submitted cannot be returned.  Send your questions to: Rinker on Collectibles, 5955 Mill Point Court SE, Kentwood, MI  49512.  You also can e-mail your questions to harrylrinker@aol.com. Only e-mails containing a full name and mailing address will be considered.

You can listen and participate in WHATCHA GOT?, Harry’s antiques and collectibles radio call-in show, on Sunday mornings between 8:00 AM and 10:00 AM Eastern Time.  If you cannot find it on a station in your area, WHATCHA GOT? streams live on the Internet at www.gcnlive.com.